Sunday, July 26, 2009

The result of boredom Part 4

I don't know what my deal is, or why this even matters, but I kind of feel like I need to give a brief explanation of each chapter. When I wrote this next chapter I was running low on Helga experiences, because if you have not guessed already, Helga's dating life tends to have long dating hiatuses. For those of you that may understand things in a mathematical way I'll give you a simple formula:

Helga's love life - (minus) dates with boys + Helga's occasional bouts of awkwardness = a pretty boring "love life"

Basically, I didn't have any stories or was kind of in a writing slump and came up with this next chapter that has absolutely nothing to do with Helga. But no worries, if this is boring or stupid, or whatever to any of you, Helga will be back next week with more of her "exciting adventures."

Chapter Four: Spring Love and the Bitter Bystander

Thus far into our journey we have learned a great deal from our dear friend Helga and her many…..adventures, yes adventures is a nice word. However in this chapter we will give poor Helga a break. Who knows? In the time it takes you to read this, she might gain wisdom and not so many blunders for herself.
It would also be wise for me to forewarn any reader that they may be offended by what I have to say. Before you consider taking such offense I insist that you ask yourself whether you are offended or merely saddened by the absence of love in your life. However, if you are one of such a populace that is easily offended you may want to skip this chapter altogether. If you choose to keep reading, don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you.
I, with the help of a friend we’ll refer to as Dr. Z. Love, would like to promote a theory. As you may know, a theory is not anything to be proven true necessarily, but instead something proposed and believed by high authorities with much acumen, to others that may be less knowledgeable on the given matter that the theory relates to. (If you had trouble reading and making sense of the previous sentence the first time you read through it, you are likely less knowledgeable than Dr. Z Love and myself, but don’t worry, it’s supposed to work like that.)
Before formally presenting the theory to you for consideration, I must first explain my thoughts on a troubling matter that later made great sense because of reading an article written by Dr. Z. Love.
One fine spring day as I was walking on campus from one place to another place, and then to yet another, I noticed something. I didn’t just notice it with my eyes, I noticed it also with the emptiness of my heart; I couldn’t walk five paces without taking notice of numerous flirtatious couples. Each of which were holding hands, staring deeply into each others eyes, and some even exchanging what I imagined to be sweet nothings into each others ears. Many say love is a wonderful thing, so witnessing so many of the glorious, but public acts of love should have made me happy, but quite frankly it did not. Instead I found myself bitter, with a plethora of ghastly thoughts towards these people. These thoughts and feelings soon began to take over my mind. At one point I almost felt like charging through a couple’s interlocked hands while screaming, “Red Rover, Red Rover, get the heck out of my way and move over!” However, because of the recent rise of people suing other people for silly things such as receiving a broken arm because of a lunatic breaking through a couple’s interdigitated hands, I decided it was in my best interest to refrain from such an act. It wasn’t until I read a simple article, written by Dr. Z. Love, that my attitude began to change.
The doctor acknowledged the phenomenon of scores of couples beginning to emerge during the spring months. He stated that it was natural. He also took notice of those like me who felt bitter about this dreadful situation, but low and behold, he then wrote some of the most beautiful and consoling words that my eyes have ever read, and thus came about his brilliant theory which I will further advertise.
So eloquently it was written, “It’s all the uuuuugggly people that hook up in the spring because all of the beautiful people already hooked up in the fall.”
I guess it’s technically true that I can’t consider myself to be one of the beautiful people because I haven’t ever gained romantic companionship in the fall, but at least I can say I’m not ugly because I haven’t ever paired off with anyone in the spring, come to think of it I haven’t really paired off with anyone at anytime of year, but that is beside the point. Thanks to Doctor Z. Love I now know that when I begin my search for the perfect man I can start looking in the spring, but it might be best if we just stayed friends until the fall.
You would be wise to pay attention to the following advertisement of Dr. Z. Love’s theory because it just might change you from a glass being half-empty to being half-full kind of person. I full heartedly endorse the doctor’s theory. It does not matter that the sole purpose of the theory may be merely to comfort the bitter bystanders during the difficult months of March, April, May, and even part of June. It is my personal belief that if through out all eternity, the theory helps only one individual, then it will have done its duty as a theory. However, it is my hope that it will soothe many more souls than just one. So I now invite any and all single individuals that may feel disgruntled when spring rolls around to seriously ponder the theory, and then become a believer. If you do I can promise you that you’ll see your surroundings in a new light. As a personal example, I no longer feel the sudden urge to play my nasty version of Red Rover. Instead, I’ve taken notice to the flowers blooming, birds singing, and other spring-like attributes, such as water quietly trickling in a brook.
Many of you may now have a decision to make. To believe or not to believe. I’ve told you what believing has done for me and now I can only hope that you will join me and the doctor on the other side where the grass is greener.


  1. Love that theory. These posts make my day :)

  2. i forgot that such a theory existed. i need to keep this in mind more often!