The result of boredom Part 4

I don't know what my deal is, or why this even matters, but I kind of feel like I need to give a brief explanation of each chapter. When I wrote this next chapter I was running low on Helga experiences, because if you have not guessed already, Helga's dating life tends to have long dating hiatuses. For those of you that may understand things in a mathematical way I'll give you a simple formula:

Helga's love life - (minus) dates with boys + Helga's occasional bouts of awkwardness = a pretty boring "love life"

Basically, I didn't have any stories or was kind of in a writing slump and came up with this next chapter that has absolutely nothing to do with Helga. But no worries, if this is boring or stupid, or whatever to any of you, Helga will be back next week with more of her "exciting adventures."

Chapter Four: Spring Love and the Bitter Bystander

Thus far into our journey we have learned a great deal from our dear friend Helga and her many…..adventures, yes adventures is a nice word. However in this chapter we will give poor Helga a break. Who knows? In the time it takes you to read this, she might gain wisdom and not so many blunders for herself.
It would also be wise for me to forewarn any reader that they may be offended by what I have to say. Before you consider taking such offense I insist that you ask yourself whether you are offended or merely saddened by the absence of love in your life. However, if you are one of such a populace that is easily offended you may want to skip this chapter altogether. If you choose to keep reading, don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you.
I, with the help of a friend we’ll refer to as Dr. Z. Love, would like to promote a theory. As you may know, a theory is not anything to be proven true necessarily, but instead something proposed and believed by high authorities with much acumen, to others that may be less knowledgeable on the given matter that the theory relates to. (If you had trouble reading and making sense of the previous sentence the first time you read through it, you are likely less knowledgeable than Dr. Z Love and myself, but don’t worry, it’s supposed to work like that.)
Before formally presenting the theory to you for consideration, I must first explain my thoughts on a troubling matter that later made great sense because of reading an article written by Dr. Z. Love.
One fine spring day as I was walking on campus from one place to another place, and then to yet another, I noticed something. I didn’t just notice it with my eyes, I noticed it also with the emptiness of my heart; I couldn’t walk five paces without taking notice of numerous flirtatious couples. Each of which were holding hands, staring deeply into each others eyes, and some even exchanging what I imagined to be sweet nothings into each others ears. Many say love is a wonderful thing, so witnessing so many of the glorious, but public acts of love should have made me happy, but quite frankly it did not. Instead I found myself bitter, with a plethora of ghastly thoughts towards these people. These thoughts and feelings soon began to take over my mind. At one point I almost felt like charging through a couple’s interlocked hands while screaming, “Red Rover, Red Rover, get the heck out of my way and move over!” However, because of the recent rise of people suing other people for silly things such as receiving a broken arm because of a lunatic breaking through a couple’s interdigitated hands, I decided it was in my best interest to refrain from such an act. It wasn’t until I read a simple article, written by Dr. Z. Love, that my attitude began to change.
The doctor acknowledged the phenomenon of scores of couples beginning to emerge during the spring months. He stated that it was natural. He also took notice of those like me who felt bitter about this dreadful situation, but low and behold, he then wrote some of the most beautiful and consoling words that my eyes have ever read, and thus came about his brilliant theory which I will further advertise.
So eloquently it was written, “It’s all the uuuuugggly people that hook up in the spring because all of the beautiful people already hooked up in the fall.”
I guess it’s technically true that I can’t consider myself to be one of the beautiful people because I haven’t ever gained romantic companionship in the fall, but at least I can say I’m not ugly because I haven’t ever paired off with anyone in the spring, come to think of it I haven’t really paired off with anyone at anytime of year, but that is beside the point. Thanks to Doctor Z. Love I now know that when I begin my search for the perfect man I can start looking in the spring, but it might be best if we just stayed friends until the fall.
You would be wise to pay attention to the following advertisement of Dr. Z. Love’s theory because it just might change you from a glass being half-empty to being half-full kind of person. I full heartedly endorse the doctor’s theory. It does not matter that the sole purpose of the theory may be merely to comfort the bitter bystanders during the difficult months of March, April, May, and even part of June. It is my personal belief that if through out all eternity, the theory helps only one individual, then it will have done its duty as a theory. However, it is my hope that it will soothe many more souls than just one. So I now invite any and all single individuals that may feel disgruntled when spring rolls around to seriously ponder the theory, and then become a believer. If you do I can promise you that you’ll see your surroundings in a new light. As a personal example, I no longer feel the sudden urge to play my nasty version of Red Rover. Instead, I’ve taken notice to the flowers blooming, birds singing, and other spring-like attributes, such as water quietly trickling in a brook.
Many of you may now have a decision to make. To believe or not to believe. I’ve told you what believing has done for me and now I can only hope that you will join me and the doctor on the other side where the grass is greener.

The result of boredom Part 3

Nothing too special here. I'm just posting these in the order that I wrote them, so have at it.

Chapter 3: Long Distance Relationships- The Reality of How Far is Too Far.

I can’t quote any source, but I've heard from many people that it's true that long distance relationships, for a number of reasons, don't work out. I full heartedly agree. Now before any of you that are exceptions begin to kick and scream and say that it worked for you, it is of the utmost necessity that you hear me out, for you will surely find yourself agreeing with my view. Those of you that hold little trust in my word will perhaps find that trust from our beloved friend Helga. Helga has never been in a serious relationship, although she has been committed in a long distance relationship many times. Perhaps you are a bit confused. I can’t promise that Helga’s story will make things more comprehensible for you, but I will indubitably make the effort.
Once upon a brisk December evening, Helga’s friend Alice called and asked her if she would like to be set up on a blind date. Helga had not been on a date since high school; because of this she was anything but hesitant when she accepted the offer. Alice only told Helga that the boy’s name was Ned and that he was quite the gentleman. Boy oh boy, Helga was ever so thrilled.
Now I won’t give you any details of the date, because they are not important to the true purpose of the story. However, I will let you know that Helga had a grand ol’ time on the date. She even recorded it in her precious diary so that she and Ned’s posterity would later find out how this splendid couple met. (If you are unsure if you read the last sentence correctly I invite you to read it again and again until you are convinced that your eyes are not playing tricks on you.)
Helga had such an amazing time on that date that she began to daydream about her future with Ned. She dreamt of Ned calling her up later that night to ask her on a second date. She dreamt of the many dates after that. She even dreamt of their first tender kiss under the stars standing on top of the A at midnight so that she could become a True Aggie the correct way. Helga found herself dreaming day in and day out. She was oblivious to the fact that this was to be the first and last date that she would ever share with Ned. Poor, poor Helga.
There is the possibility that you may have misunderstood me when you read the first paragraph. You likely thought that by long distance I meant the type of relationship in which the involved parties are separated by miles and miles of land, thus they are compelled to keep in touch through writing and telephone conversations, and due to new technological advances they can even send an e-mail of endearment. However this is not what I meant, nor was this the type of long distance relationship that Helga has found herself involved in many times. By long distance I meant the type of relationship that is so long distance that it is literally non-existent. In other words, it is a relationship that only exists inside one’s head, such as the one that Helga dreamt of with Ned.
This is not meant to discourage you from ever daydreaming after experiencing a fabulous date such as Helga’s with Ned, but there is a limit that you must pay attention to. This limit is one that Helga has ignored many times, later finding herself hurt, or as the surfers say “bummed out” because she has let this long distance relationship go on far too long. Helga has experienced many unfortunate events in her love life. The cynic might even argue that because of these experiences Helga isn’t even qualified to say that she has a love life to speak of. I plead with you to learn from this quandary of Helga’s.
In conclusion, I sincerely hope that the next time you have an awe-inspiring date, when you go home to write in your diary, think of Helga and the awful state that you may find yourself in if you follow her wretched example of taking a long distance relationship too far.

The result of boredom Part 2

Out of the six "chapters" written in the "book" this is the one that seems to have been overlooked in editing. As I was reading it, and changing things up I realized I should probably leave a bit of a disclaimer. When I wrote it, I didn't actually want to add details relating to an incident/kiss involved in the story. Reason one being that I didn't really want to write any details, and reason two being, I couldn't think of how to write about the details. This is just a story that is told much better in person. As I read this chapter, and began changing things, I realized that it sounds a lot more serious than it actually was. Let me assure you that it really wasn't that big of a deal, I just haven't figured out how to add the details (thus shedding more light on the whole incident) Someday I may try to add them, but it will probably be a while longer, until then this is the partially complete, partially edited Chapter 2. (SERIOUSLY, I NEED SOME HELP ON THIS ONE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE SUGGESTIONS)

Chapter two: The Officer’s Advice

You may remember the D.A.R.E. officer in fifth grade teaching you to say this when the "cool kids" offered you a joint or an alcoholic beverage, or for that matter, any other substance that may do your body harm, and/or is illegal in any form. I believe the exact wording may have been, "No matter what you think kids, it is okay to just say no." Now you may remember poor Helga from chapter One. We all hoped that she might learn to be smarter when it came to boys, but I have to tell you that she didn't. I wish I could extend the D.A.R.E officer’s advice for Helga, and let her know that even if it made her feel mean, it is still okay to “just say no”. So once again this short chapter will illustrate for you another of Helga’s mistakes, and how you can learn to avoid them by NOT following in her footsteps.

Once upon a time on a warm April day, Helga was daydreaming of what the "perfect" first kiss would be like. She was only one of two members left in what we'll call the "NO KISS CLUB" (I know you may think that this sounds like the most riveting club in the world, but when you’re only one of two members, as Helga was, you really would hope to get rid of your membership as soon as humanly possible.) Helga didn't like feeling left out, again, as most of her pals had ditched out of the club previous to this incident. She was determined that she would indeed get that first kiss.

In the years past she had always made some rules for herself about the occurrence of this first kiss, for example, first going on a few dates with the boy before ever locking lips with him. This rule then changed to at least having a crush on the boy, this rule then changed to at least finding this boy attractive, but as you will soon find out Helga ditched everyone one of those rules in the quest for her first kiss. Mind you I didn't write “perfect” first kiss, and that is due to the fact that in all the ditching of the rules, Helga managed also to ditch the idea of the "perfect" first kiss.

On a later warm April day a few days after the warm April day previously spoken of Helga was invited by her roommates and friends to attend something we'll refer to as “True Aggie Night”. Helga had always dreamed of someday becoming a “True Aggie”, this seemed like the perfect opportunity. So that night when the clock struck Quarter to twelve, up to campus they went. Oh how naïve Helga was. She didn't realize that she was going to have to kiss someone to gain the title of said “True Aggie”. When she got up there she was no longer sure if she wanted the title, was it really worth it? Sadly, to Helga that day it was.

To make this oh so long story so much lesser long, I'll try to summarize. Helga met a boy that night, his name was Jose. Jose seemed to show interest in Helga. After a brief introduction Jose offered to make Helga a “True Aggie”. I'm oh so sorry to say that Helga forgot the advice of her 5th grade D.A.R.E. officer. she didn't know what to say and replied, "SURE." Helga may have gained one title that night, but Jose robber her of another. She could no longer be the president of the "NO KISS CLUB".

Though there are many more details to this story they are not relevant to the moral. Helga wasn't quite ready for that first kiss, and would have been much better off to have "just said no" So girls, bless you hearts, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation to that of Helga's, I plead with you, JUST SAY NO.